. bear king
bear king

basically miles has chronic kidney failure

he’s ‘better’, he seems fantastic, before the vet came in to give the news i was so happy i felt on top of the world and everything was right and it was to all appearances great, but, no, he’s not going to stay better, we dont know how long, a week, a couple months max most likely, longer if we’re very lucky and if i am lucky about anything ever i need it to be this

i have never in my life cried so much or so long, my face is chafed from it, i legit cried myself to sleep for the first time ever, i made myself sick as in i even have a fucking fever

i’ve been not replying to things because i just dont have the energy but i appreciate the support so so so much i just dont have the heart to

i’m not okay and i’m not going to be ok for a long time

i’m not ok nothings ok nothing is even a little ok and its not going to be ok

the bb

i barely got sleep bc nightmares then i woke up and they’re doing the kitchen floor and the yardwork crew is doin their thing so its all loud

i want to sleep so i can wake up ass late and just go right to the vet

we spoke to him last night and were told miles was eating and settled in ok, seemed to be doing well, and got permission to visit him today. later in the day so we can be told the blood test results that will be in today

i miss my cat so much. i’ve never had nightmares like this. i rarely have any nightmares usually. i keep going about routine like i do when he’s here and then remember, oh, miles is at the vet.. and make myself sad again. i keep expecting one of his usual at least nightly visits coming to me yowling with a toy. i’m never going to brush that off again. never take anything for granted. not even the tiny things.

i keep having sudden moments of stabbing panic that last only seconds. i had a hell of an episode of both derealization and depersonalization last night, too. i took the max daily allowance of my anti-anxiety meds for the first time ever. actually a half pill more. made sure it was safe to first. i feel the worst i have in a long, long time. it’s brought back memories of how it was when i felt like this a lot, years ago, and i didnt remember how bad it was.

seems to be troubling my moms cat, mia, a lot too. she keeps wandering around the house aimlessly looking around. slept in my bed til  my mom got up. i’m worried about her health if they have to keep miles the full potential five days. miles got sick when we lost socks, lost like 5 lbs before we got him sorted. i know cats can take things involving companions like that really hard, and mia doesn’t understand that miles will be coming home all she knows is her best friend isn’t here for the first time.

and he will be coming home. i won’t settle for anything else. he won’t either. he’s not leaving. he’s a badass, he’s workin through this and we’ll work through whatever we need to do to help when he comes home

man tho, i always call him my therapy cat. it’s kind of an unanimously agreed upon thing among my family and my doc. not legally official, though i want to get him registered before i move out. i had no idea exactly how dead on that is until this. i feel like i’m losing myself.

i need him home, he needs to be home. i want him curled up on the couch, brushing off attention he doesn’t want at the moment. i want him following me around the house and hopping on the table and head bunting me. i want him knocking shit off tables/desk/counter because he isn’t being fed at the precise second he wants to be. i want him deciding i’m in need of a bath while i’m laying in bed and grooming my head, grabbing me with a paw, claws out, but gently, if i try to move away before he determines that i’m sufficiently clean.





When you see it…

it took three passes of this across my dash until I got it and want to throw my macbook out the fucking window

Are you fucking kidding me

crash, mayor of garbage

they are keeping miles for the next 2-5 days

acute kidney failure, it might not be fatal, he could be okay and he’s got a lot of fight in him

he seems better than he was yesterday, we in fact determined that it was the best choice to have brought him home, since i was able to monitor him all night and keep him calm and get him to drink water

he was active in the carrier and when they took him out in the exam room for checking vitals, he actively moved to press his forehead against mine and nuzzle when i moved to help hold him and calm him and he scrambled off the table and into my arms the moment they let him go. stayed there, didn’t want to go anywhere, flipped the fuck out when the tech went to take him, and immediately calmed once he was back in my arms

he purred for me finally before i went to bed, too, when i gave him pets and a final water change before sleep.

he was barely moving or responding yesterday, and today he also reacted negatively to the carrier / car (normal), nervous purred (normal), moved around instead of laying sort of despondent

they have him on fluids and put a cath in, the miles cuddles when he scrambled into my arms were wonderful but i could hear him screaming and yowling at them in the back while they started. good sign he’s got that fight in him, but still every bit feels like a stab right to my goddamn heart. i had to sit down while we checked out, i thought i was going to pass out

he can get through this he has to get through this

miles is like no other pet i’ve ever had, he is an extension of my very soul, he is a part of me, and he can’t leave me yet, we’re not ready, he’s not and i’m not

my cat its in kidney failure we’re rushing him back to the vet the vet said he made a mistake letting us keep him overnight because he thought miles seemed ok and he’s not wish me luck please

 i cant breathe

I slept ok except for dreams about the cat

Miles has just had his painkiller, hoping it’ll get him to perk up a bit, and he’ll get his appetite stimulant soon too. had to wait on the former because it’s every 12 hours, and giving it to him at ass in the morning wasn’t gonna happen.

so, all we know right now is that he has one very small kidney stone that may or may not just be incidental. I’ve not got much more to share than that, but that’s all I’m giving for now.

nothin to do but keep an eye on him and try to chill

…. though well I’m mean and may take the opportunity while he’s lethargic like this to reapply the two soft paws that have fallen off





So I’ve always wanted to play Mass Effect but never had the consoles for it, but I saw that Mass Effect 3 apparently exists on WII U

But like… it’s game number three, do I have to have played the other two to play the third one?

Yes, yes you do. ME3 won’t make a lick of sense unless you play the first two because each title builds up from the last. Do you have a good PC because Mass Effect is also available in Steam as well.

It comes with an interactive comic thing to fill in the player and make choices. I have no idea how good that is though.

The comic that covers ME2 is crap

i believe it’s an extended version of that one, so I’d assume it’s crap too, then. So scratch that haha